Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mending a Broken Heart

Wow, I know it has been a while since I've updated my blog but I have been busy.  I was hoping to log in and share some exciting news with you all but instead I find myself journaling another loss. I'm not sure how to grieve for this recent loss as I was so certain that this blessing would come right before my 31st birthday next year.  I'm probably rambling and this post probably makes no sense but this was the best therapy for me right now.  To just write, type about whatever comes to mind.  Hubby and I conceived after two rounds of Clomid and I was so elated.  I just found out today that my HCG levels have dropped drastically and the baby will miscarry.  I'm numb, heart broken but still hopeful and prayerful.  I know God has a plan for us and it just may be a little different from the one that I see for myself.  I just wanted to share some personal thoughts that I wrote about earlier this year when we decided to start the Clomid. I don't mean to depress anyone, I simply came back to my blog as a much needed outlet to clear my mind.

Dear Precious Baby,

Well it’s two days before my 30th birthday. I thought you would be here by now but God had another plan for you. I know you will be here soon. I feel your existence approaching which is why I started this love letter for you.

You had a baby cousin born today. Her name is Sydney Lauren and she weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces. I’m so happy to welcome a new baby girl into our family. She is healthy and her mommy, daddy and grand mommy seem so happy. I really cannot wait for the day that I get to see you. Hold you and kiss you. Well to be honest I can’t wait until the day you change the lines on the pregnancy test from one line to a double line. I long for you, you are wanted way before you are even in existence. I pray that you show up soon. I pray that you are healthy, happy and know how much love went into making sure you got here. I have some names picked out for you already. If you are a boy then your name is going to be Brendan or Braylon or even Brandon after your daddy. If you are a girl then your name will be BriAnna June McKinnor. You will be named after your great grandmother Anna June Black. She raised me and she passed away two years ago. Boy how I love and miss her. If you could have met her, that would have been amazing. I know I carry her around in my heart and spirit so I will try to instill everything that grandma taught me into you. I thought I would start this journal for you to read when you get older. If you’re like me then you love history and knowing where you came from. This is the start to my long love letter to you, way before you were conceived. Your daddy and I are going to start working on creating you right away.

Prayer: God please bless us with one of your children to love on this dear earth of yours. Let your child walk with Brandon and I. Please bless my womb. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Imaginary Bff,

The one goal on my list of things to do before I turn 30 that I was most doubtful about was getting tickets to the Oprah show.  I already had it made up in my mind that it wouldn't happen because it was her last season and I'm sure they are getting an overwhelming submission of fans trying to sit in her fabulous audience.  I had already planned on doing  my photo shoot downtown with intentions of stopping by Harpo studios for a lovely shot outside (Never Settle).  After I created my post, I set a reminder in my calendar to visit Oprah.com every day to submit a request for tickets to the show.  Well persistence does pay off.  On Friday, January 21 I received an email from Oprah Show Reservations with the subject Oprah Show UPDATE!!! PLEASE READ AND RESPOND!!!! My heart nearly hit the floor.  I read the email and it asked me to confirm that me and 3 of my friends will be able to attend the taping on January 26th and that it was on a first come first serve basis.  I needed to respond ASAP with the names of my guest and confirm that I am available for the A taping.  I noticed that the email was sent that morning at 10:30 am and by the time I responded it was 11:00 am.  I was sure they had already filled up the audience by then.  At 1:30pm I received my confirmation that me and my 3 guest were confirmed for the taping.  Hallelujah... I was all smiles and had to stop working for a minute.  I printed off the confirmation and took it around the office gloating to my colleagues.  I was soooooooooooo happy. My mine started racing, what am I going to wear, I need to get their early, I'm so excited!! 

Today I got up and went to the mall looking for my outfit.  The instructions asked us to refrain from wearing white and all beige because it does something funky to the cameras, and also to wear bright colors.  A few people who went told me that they seat you according to the way you are dressed.  So I was on a mission to find my Oprah outfit. I was in the mall trying on countless skirts, tops and sweaters.  I already knew I wanted a nice pencil skirt, knee boots, a button up blouse with a sweater over it and a thin belt around my waist.  Yes, I already saw me at the show, I just had to find that outfit. I found the perfect coordinating bright bold colors, it was classy yet sexy and a bit trendy.  I was sure to be seated in the front row with this get up!  I purchased my outfit and I was on cloud 10,  my next stop was Mac, because I needed some more of my favorite lip glass "Love Nectar".  The moment I stepped out of the store I grabbed my phone to check my emails.  I had an email from Oprah Show Reservations and my heart began palpating.  When I opened it the first word I saw was "Unfortunately" my palms began to perspire and after I read the rest of the email I had to sit down.  My reservation for our scheduled taping had been canceled due to production changes and they had to remove me and my party from this show ( Heart sank...Crushed), however, the email went on to say that they will do their best to accommodate me in a future show and provided me with a list of the February dates with instructions on selecting my first and second choice dates.  Okay, we still have hope but the email also said to respond ASAP so that they can give me my first choice and the seats are filling up quickly.  I looked over the dates and sent back my 1st and second choice. Called my girlfriend to tell her what happen and we were both feeling down.  Oprah how could you do this ..you were my ace boon,, my bff, my imaginary mentor noooooooooooo.  So I snapped out of my funk got off the phone with my girlfriend and checked my email and yes!! I got the confirmation of my show date for Friday, Feb 11th.  I quickly called my friend back and told her operation Oprah was back on!  Mind you all of this time I am still sitting in the mall looking crazy with all of these emotions, it went from excitement to disappointment and back  to excitement in a matter of minutes. 

After speaking to everyone in my party I was informed that one of my girls wouldn't be able to make it bummer.  So when I got home I sent an email to Oprah Show Reservations  and apologized and told them that I had responded too soon and if the Wednesday, Feb 9th B taping was available I love to have that date (Check me out...negotiating with Oprah studios) I told them that if it wasn't available to keep us confirmed for Friday, Feb 11 however 1 of my guest will not be able to attend.  By the time I clicked refresh they responded with my confirmation for Wednesday, Feb 9th.  Needless to say Oprah is back to being my imaginary Bff, ace boon and mentor.  I will be sure to let you know all about the taping and when it is supposed to air. 

P.S.  I took back that outfit, because now I have more time to find the perfect O-outfit.  Besides with the way my diet is going I probably won't be able to fit it in 3 weeks.  I'm already down 10 pounds!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Inevitable

There is no turning back now! The inevitable is sneaking up on me and approaching at what appears to be an accelerated speed. In approximately 106 days yours truly will turn the big 30! Nothing like the New Year to help you re-evaluate your life, however this New Year, 2011, the year that I turn 30 really made me take a look at the things I've already accomplished and the goals that I am still pursuing. I can honestly say that this lackluster milestone does not intimidate me one bit. For one, it is inevitable therefore I've embraced it and I realize that every single thing I've gone through in life thus far has help lead me to where I am today; blessed.

Instead of having a pity party or being depressed about my newly acquired wisdom I plan to celebrate this birthday in style, pausing to appreciate both the fun in my 20's and the new experiences to come in my future. As a tribute to my 20's I along with my friends and bloggers, Nicole and Sharina, were able to come up with a list of 10 things to do before I turn 30.

1. Lose 30 pounds
You look good, you feel good, point blank!! This is a must and something that I have already begun working on. The gym is my new BFF! I know this is going to take some work but I am definitely up for the challenge.

2. Complete Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred
I've had this DVD for quite sometime now and I always get to about day 14 and quit! If you are not familiar with this workout it is an intense 20 minute workout that uses aerobic and anaerobic intervals which helps you burn fat faster. Well this go round I plan on completing the entire 30 days!

3. Be A Diva for a Night / Karaoke
I would love to put on a sexy sequin dress, a nice wig and sing R E S P E C T! I've always been nervous about this because if you ever go to a Karaoke bar those folks take this serious! I didn't want them to boo me or get upset because I was fooling around. But like I said this is a new year and a new me, who cares if I get booed!

4. Race Car Driving
For some reason I've wanted to do this for quite some time now but never had the guts to do it. After watching Real Housewives of Atlanta and seeing Sheree and Candy go at it, it was quickly added to my list of things to do!

5. Weekend Road Trip with the Girls
No explanation needed just FUN!

6. Pole Dancing Class
Those flirty girl fitness classes look like tons of fun. I think I may have to work on shedding a few pounds first before I hoist my voluptuous self up on somebody’s pole! I am really looking forward to this class.

7. Win tickets to the Oprah Show
I heart Oprah and have tried to get tickets to her show for years now. I remember working for a customer service call center while in undergrad and instead of taking calls I would be calling the Oprah hotline to win tickets. I would have at least 5 phone lines dialing in but as you can see I never got through! It breaks my heart that this is her last season and I possibly will never get to be apart of her fabulous audience. I am going to keep trying!! SN: OWN is my new default channel!

8. Make-Over
When the weight is off and all is said and done, I want a make-over. Out with the old and in with the new

9. Have a Photo shoot Session
A nice photo shoot to show off my new look and to capture me while I can still mumble a 20 something girly girl.

10. Couples massage with Mr.
Nine times out of ten he will think this is "Fruity" but I think this will be a really nice experience for both of us. I would like for us to go to a place of solace, where we will be able to connect spiritually and tune into each others thoughts. We both have unspoken frustrations due to our conception obstacles but I have adopted the notion that God's delays are not God's denials, thanks to some of my wonderful followers!

I did this list because 30 is the start of a new chapter in my life and I wanted to seal my 20's on a high note. I had to look inward to really assess the highs and lows of my 20's and I realized when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change and regardless of my current station in life, I have a spiritual contract to make joy my constant companion and that I don't have to live a life filled with less-than-joyful activities.

Happy New Year!
Peace and Blessings..........