Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mending a Broken Heart

Wow, I know it has been a while since I've updated my blog but I have been busy.  I was hoping to log in and share some exciting news with you all but instead I find myself journaling another loss. I'm not sure how to grieve for this recent loss as I was so certain that this blessing would come right before my 31st birthday next year.  I'm probably rambling and this post probably makes no sense but this was the best therapy for me right now.  To just write, type about whatever comes to mind.  Hubby and I conceived after two rounds of Clomid and I was so elated.  I just found out today that my HCG levels have dropped drastically and the baby will miscarry.  I'm numb, heart broken but still hopeful and prayerful.  I know God has a plan for us and it just may be a little different from the one that I see for myself.  I just wanted to share some personal thoughts that I wrote about earlier this year when we decided to start the Clomid. I don't mean to depress anyone, I simply came back to my blog as a much needed outlet to clear my mind.

Dear Precious Baby,


Well it’s two days before my 30th birthday. I thought you would be here by now but God had another plan for you. I know you will be here soon. I feel your existence approaching which is why I started this love letter for you.

You had a baby cousin born today. Her name is Sydney Lauren and she weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces. I’m so happy to welcome a new baby girl into our family. She is healthy and her mommy, daddy and grand mommy seem so happy. I really cannot wait for the day that I get to see you. Hold you and kiss you. Well to be honest I can’t wait until the day you change the lines on the pregnancy test from one line to a double line. I long for you, you are wanted way before you are even in existence. I pray that you show up soon. I pray that you are healthy, happy and know how much love went into making sure you got here. I have some names picked out for you already. If you are a boy then your name is going to be Brendan or Braylon or even Brandon after your daddy. If you are a girl then your name will be BriAnna June McKinnor. You will be named after your great grandmother Anna June Black. She raised me and she passed away two years ago. Boy how I love and miss her. If you could have met her, that would have been amazing. I know I carry her around in my heart and spirit so I will try to instill everything that grandma taught me into you. I thought I would start this journal for you to read when you get older. If you’re like me then you love history and knowing where you came from. This is the start to my long love letter to you, way before you were conceived. Your daddy and I are going to start working on creating you right away.

Prayer: God please bless us with one of your children to love on this dear earth of yours. Let your child walk with Brandon and I. Please bless my womb. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

17 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss. May God wrap you in His unfailing love.

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  2. WHOA! My prayers are with you boht! GOD is with you always.
    Keep holding to GODS unchanging hands.

    Sending some hugs your way too.

    ~IG2S

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  3. I am so, so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)) I am heartbroken for you all as well. I know God hears your prayers and will answer!

    The love letter is beautiful! Keep writing them to him/her!!!

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  4. *hugs* My heart is aching for you. God is awesome and He hears you. Sending prayers for your comfort. God is able and He will. Hang in there.

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  5. thinking of you..and my heart aches for you..Please stay strong. It's hard, I know. We know. You can fight trough this.

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  6. Sending lots of hugs your way. I love you lady, hang in there. God is with you, always. He answers our prayers according to His will. His plan may be different than our own, but that's because it is only whats best for us. Every person on this earth is meant to be here and your little one has already been spoken into existence. Just be patient, and continue to pray :)

    Your letter was beautiful, brought tears to my eyes.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage and understand the hurt. I know you don't know me, but if you need to talk you can always email me at outsidethestacks@live.com. My thoughts, prayers and heart with you and your husband.

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  8. There are no words to ease your hurt and your precious loss but Do know that you are loved and that you are NOT alone.. Love u and your honesty.. Blessings sis love Always... Trina

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  9. Nothing I say right now will ease the pain that you are going through but I pray for peace for you and your husband! I have been where you are and I can honestly say the road isn't always easy but the reward is the greatest gift EVER! Air hugs to you and I pray that your gift will come soon!

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  10. I am so SO sorry to read this. It pains me and breaks my heart to read how much you are suffering, i wish i could hug you and console you.

    God will answer your prayers very soon, keep believing in positive thinking. And write those letters because baby will like to read them.

    A big hug.

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  11. I've been thinking about you and checking to see if you had a new post and just now saw this one. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

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  12. You and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. I know how it is to suffer from a lose and there is little that anyone or anyone can do to comfort you when all you want is to be a mom. Trust and believe in Gods promise and know that in his time not in yours God will show up and show out. There is a book that I want you to get and read its called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. This book helped me so much when I was at a very low point in my life after we lost a baby at 22 weeks. I hope this book brings you joy and gives you some assume scriptures to restore and renew your faith.

    Peace and Many Blessings,

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  13. Sorry to hear about your loss. Just know everything happens in it's own time and you will have everything you ever wished for one day.

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  14. Thank you for sharing May God give you the Grace you need during this time. All the best to you.

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  15. we are definitely praying for you Brandi! God never forsakes us!

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  16. How ironic that I come across this blog and post the week I am going for infertility test this week. I went in for my routine pap smear and I thought I would get my clean bill of health as usual boy was I wrong. Like you I never thought I would have problems conceiving once the time came. Age is already a factor and now this but I am trying to remain positive and keep the faith but this is a trying time indeed.

    God Bless I pray you are blessed with a healthy baby.

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  17. Please email me! I have a question about your blog :)
    HeatherVonsj@gmail.com

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