Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Mending a Broken Heart

Wow, I know it has been a while since I've updated my blog but I have been busy.  I was hoping to log in and share some exciting news with you all but instead I find myself journaling another loss. I'm not sure how to grieve for this recent loss as I was so certain that this blessing would come right before my 31st birthday next year.  I'm probably rambling and this post probably makes no sense but this was the best therapy for me right now.  To just write, type about whatever comes to mind.  Hubby and I conceived after two rounds of Clomid and I was so elated.  I just found out today that my HCG levels have dropped drastically and the baby will miscarry.  I'm numb, heart broken but still hopeful and prayerful.  I know God has a plan for us and it just may be a little different from the one that I see for myself.  I just wanted to share some personal thoughts that I wrote about earlier this year when we decided to start the Clomid. I don't mean to depress anyone, I simply came back to my blog as a much needed outlet to clear my mind.

Dear Precious Baby,

Well it’s two days before my 30th birthday. I thought you would be here by now but God had another plan for you. I know you will be here soon. I feel your existence approaching which is why I started this love letter for you.

You had a baby cousin born today. Her name is Sydney Lauren and she weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces. I’m so happy to welcome a new baby girl into our family. She is healthy and her mommy, daddy and grand mommy seem so happy. I really cannot wait for the day that I get to see you. Hold you and kiss you. Well to be honest I can’t wait until the day you change the lines on the pregnancy test from one line to a double line. I long for you, you are wanted way before you are even in existence. I pray that you show up soon. I pray that you are healthy, happy and know how much love went into making sure you got here. I have some names picked out for you already. If you are a boy then your name is going to be Brendan or Braylon or even Brandon after your daddy. If you are a girl then your name will be BriAnna June McKinnor. You will be named after your great grandmother Anna June Black. She raised me and she passed away two years ago. Boy how I love and miss her. If you could have met her, that would have been amazing. I know I carry her around in my heart and spirit so I will try to instill everything that grandma taught me into you. I thought I would start this journal for you to read when you get older. If you’re like me then you love history and knowing where you came from. This is the start to my long love letter to you, way before you were conceived. Your daddy and I are going to start working on creating you right away.

Prayer: God please bless us with one of your children to love on this dear earth of yours. Let your child walk with Brandon and I. Please bless my womb. In Jesus name I pray. Amen